"One plus one is two, all day long, and it’s never gonna change. And that’s factorial."

- Stephon Marbury

"English is my fifth language, after stuttering, stammering, stumbling and spitting."

- Bill Walton

"We own the word 'share.' We own that space."

- Sun Chairman Scott McNealy

"Be brave, never be afraid to do something, also love life and reach for the doughnut, not the hole because the hole will suck you right in."

- David Boreanaz

"I started to see people as little lonesome, water based, pink meat lifeforms pushing air through themselves and making noises that the other little pieces of meat seemed to understand... I don't think I was 'mad', I was just confused."

- Devin Townsend

"We have decided to organize in a way to maximize synergies with our going forward model to drive more effective use of the web and driving pipeline opportunity."

- James Neiser

"It's the open source concept, but one notch better, because the source wouldn't be open."

- Corel CEO Derek Burney

"I have to agree with Dan here. The only effective way to work with the university is to tie them to their desks and beat them about the head."

- Jude Giampaolo

"I will even go to Cleveland. I hear in films that it is the ugliest city town in America, but I will even go there."

- Vladimir Lukic

"Some folks will like this movie. Others will hate it. Still others will be indifferent, and everyone else will fall somewhere along the continuum that bridges adoration to apathy to animosity. Opens Fri."

- Mike D'Angelo

"If you think my thoughts reflect the views, feelings, religous beliefs, construction practices, OSHA compliance, parking officers, environmental impact studies, monkey head graftings, etc. of this University; then you sir, have not seen my pay stub."

- Wes Barton

"Imagine drawing a cute fox with Sandy Duncan's voice for three years. It's not something that you can relate to very much."

- Tim Burton

"If I'm the chief information officer in my company, I don't want programmers mucking around in the source code."

- Kimball Brown

"Politeness? Consideration? Motor skills? A Massachusetts driver craves not these things."

- Michael Fromberger

"The only reason I can't survive is if I'm dead or something."

- Mike Tyson

"We found that clearly people didn't like the idea. We are sensitive to our fans' wants."

- Charleston RiverDogs GM Mark Schuster
after cancelling a free vasectomy promotion

"You can never get Jersey out of your system... or your clothes... or your hair!"

- Kevin Smith

"You seek the dark and evil unspeakable terrors of the human soul."
"Yeah. You seek Country Music."

- Chris Ptacek and Steve Borzilleri

"Object-oriented programming is sort of like communism."

- Andy Podgurski

"The NCAA revoked two scholarships from Weber State in part because head coach Ron Abegglen provided money to a high school recruit. Bail money."

- Keith Olbermann

"Weddings are stressful; it's the first real test of a marraige."

- Kelli Murbach

"Groins, like ammunition dumps, don't need direct hits."

- Pat Haden

"This movie provides the missing link between "Hamlet" and "Beavis and Butthead."

- Paul Buchheit

"We've found our elephants to be very intelligent animals - if you take an iron rod and beat him, he turns around and beats the hell out of you."

- Peter Musavaya

"I will walk around the (Olympic) Village and play video games since they are free and then hang out with the Hooters Girls, which is every kid's dream."

- Gary Hall Jr.
discussing his preparations for a race

"It's something where if you get carried away with it you can maybe start living a lifestyle that loses touch quite quickly with reality; so I choose to subscribe to the "a lot of athletes" theory, which is there's a lot of athletes, and what are the chances, you know?"

- Andre Agassi
discussing security concerns at the Olympics
while sitting two feet from Monica Seles

"My fellow students wouldn't get off their asses if they were attacked by starving ocelots."

- An anonymous CWRU student
as quoted in the Princeton Review of Colleges

"The 90's really are simply the 70's with better hair."

- Lee Bumgarner

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."

- Gene Spafford
from 1992

"There's something to be said for abstinence."

- Charlie Sheen
in The Arrival

"Actually, I was thinking that the last thing that would go through my mind would be an upright."

- Parker Johnstone
when asked what he was thinking while
navigating a crash at the U.S. 500

"I have to login before I get married."

- Lori Nottingham
24 hours prior to said ceremony

"There's even a page about it on the web; I don't know the address, you know, the slash-slash thing, but I'm sure our techie viewers out there can find out..."

- some PBS guy (discussing Les Miserables)

"Women are the only reason I'm not gay."

- Noah Wyle

"Men are cute, but food is cuter."

- Tori Amos